Trials and Tribulations of Spiritual Experience by the Venerable Traleg Kyabgon Rinpoche

From a talk given at the Buddhist Summer School, Melbourne, 2003

Born in Eastern Tibet in 1955, the Venerable Traleg Kyabgon Rinpoche was recognised as the ninth of the Traleg lineage and enthroned as Abbot of Thrangu Monastery. Rinpoche came to Australia in 1980 and established the Kagyu E-Vam Buddhist Institute in 1982 and has recently established E-Vam Institute in Hudson, upstate New York. He regularly conducts courses and retreats and travels extensively in Europe and the United States giving lectures and seminars on Buddhism.

In Buddhism, the notion of a 'path' (lam in Tibetan, or marga in Sanskrit) is emphasised in many different contexts, in relation to one's spiritual development. There are Tibetan texts, for example, that describe pilgrimage spots and sacred places in relation to one's own body and the various levels of spiritual development, as sign-posts corresponding to our inner spiritual development. We cannot discuss anything about Buddhism without bringing up the notion of marga or path. This path is called tharlam in Tibetan, which means 'path of liberation,' while the biography about someone who has embarked on the path is called nam tar, which means 'an account of the process of liberation' that someone has undertaken. In other words, a spiritual biography is a description of how that particular individual travelled on the path.

When we talk about the path in this way, the spiritual practitioner is compared to a traveller; to a pilgrim. When we go on a pilgrimage, we become a traveller, and encounter many different kinds of things. We have to leave our familiar world behind and venture forth into unknown, uncharted territory. We may have read something about the places that we want to visit or we may have heard stories about these places, but we ourselves have never actually been there. Similarly, in terms of the spiritual journey, until we have embarked on the path we can never really know where we are going, even if we have learnt all about it from reading books or listening to teachings, et cetera. We will still remain very much rooted in our own whole environment.

When we embark on any kind of journey, we really do not know a great deal about where we are going. We may have some idea but we do not know anything for certain. The element of uncertainty is what characterises a journey, for it is the element of the unknown. The familiar world in which we live is called 'cyclic existence' (samsara) in Buddhism, which means that we continually go around in existence is a state of uncertainty. As long as we live in this world, we have a false sense of security from the fact that everything seems familiar to us. However, as soon as we embark on a spiritual journey, we are thrust into a world that is no longer familiar to us, just like a true traveller. The only thing that one can rely on then are the guidebooks and travel books. In the case of a spiritual journey, we read the life-stories or hagiographies of the saints and various texts that describe the different spiritual experiences that one might have, but all of these things are new and remote to us.

On the other hand, the impulse to embark on the spiritual journey in the first place is because, even though we have been living in a familiar world that is secure to a degree - even if that security is only illusory - we do not feel at home. We feel that we do not really belong to that world, that there is another world that has to be explored. This journey has to be taken, even though it does involve risks, even though it involves confronting many of life's issues, both good and bad, and enduring many kinds of learning experiences.

This is what the traveller is confronted with at the beginning. We do not feel at home in this familiar environment because we have some sense that the life we are living and the world that we are immersed in, is not all that it has been cracked up to be. We have seen through the facade, the fakery, the deceptive nature and inauthenticity of everything that is going on in that world.

At the beginning of all the texts that describe the spiritual journey, the individual is said to have an overwhelming sense of having been duped, of having squandered his or her opportunities and engaged in various forms of thought and action which are not good; which are, in fact, a source of shame. There may be a great many feelings of guilt and shame. A combination of these experiences is what propels the individual towards embarking on the spiritual journey. The individual wants to turn his or her life around. To do so, he or she has to leave the corrupting influences of the world behind.

We see this in almost all the world's spiritual treatises describing the spiritual journey. If there were no sense of seeing through what is illusory - of seeing through the deceptive nature of the familiar world and of being able to truly realise through a process of self-reflection that one's life has been a sham - it would not be a genuine journey. It would not be a journey that is true to oneself and true to others, because a life lived in a very authentic way is what propels the individual forward.

Once one is thrust into the unknown there will be a sense of uncertainty, which of course is also a source of great trepidation and anxiety. When we travel to Asia or other foreign countries where the spoken language is different to our own and where people have different customs and a different way of life, it is a shocking and disorientating experience. It is said that people get 'culture shock.' Similarly, when one embarks on the spiritual journey, it will not necessarily be a journey that is smooth and where everything goes well. When we talk about 'everything going well,' we mean this only in a relative sense, because from a higher perspective even a journey with difficulties is a journey worth taking and a journey that is good.

Nonetheless, it can become very disorientating and the cause of a great sense of anxiety. One is also trying to detach oneself from everything that is familiar and has to exercise some kind of resistance so that one does not fall back into temptations, into old ways of being. This in itself is difficult, because the temptation may be there even if the old way of life is disingenuous and full of deception. The old ways are still very familiar to us, so the temptation to run back to them will always be there. One is therefore still burdened with the task of having to disassociate from that by renouncing the concerns and affairs of the world. One has to become a recluse, either in reality or in a metaphorical sense. I say 'metaphorical,' because even without leaving the world as such, one can detach oneself from all that is worldly on a mental level. Cutting our attachment to things, in other words, is a form of renunciation.

However, trying to renounce familiar ways and worldly things is not, in itself, sufficient for a real spiritual journey. While trying to resist the urge to suffer a relapse to our old ways of being and maintain our forward momentum, we must also engage in what are known as 'purification practices.' To put it in Christian terms, these are purgative practices that one employs in order to feel redeemed, to feel that one has become a worthy spiritual traveller.

In order to feel purified, we have to engage in certain rigorous spiritual disciplines and ascetic practices. Periods of isolation, meditation retreats, living in solitude, spending time in the wilderness, fasting and so forth are undertaken in the spiritual traditions of both west and east. If one were to just simply say, 'I am a transformed person and now I am a worthy spiritual traveller,' it would not have any real power to effect change. On the other hand, if one puts one's mind and body through a rigorous process of discipline, this in itself will produce all kinds of new and transformative experiences. As one begins to travel further on the path, these disciplines will bring about unusual or what you might call 'mind altering' experiences. These are experienced in a totally different way to our normal everyday experiences because we are not familiar with them at all.

It is said in the spiritual texts that when one engages in practises where one's body and mind are put through various forms of privation, one may experience all kinds of quasi-illusory experiences, like hallucination, or one may think that one is experiencing a visitation of angels, or evil spirits, or gods or goddesses and so forth. There are many mind-altering experiences that one may be subject to, which is again quite unsettling for the ego.

Our perception of our normal, conventional 'self' is based upon what we are familiar with. When this self is put to the test, the ego has unbelievably overwhelming responses, in some cases quite terrifying or awe-inspiring. The normal ego is not equipped to deal with these and can experience them as very threatening - as something that engulfs one's idea of oneself - and may become completely carried away by then. At other times, some of these experiences may bring extreme ecstasy and a sense of bliss. It is not uncommon for even non-practitioners who go into the wilderness to have experiences like this, as has been reported by mountaineers or people going into the outback. People have often reported feeling this total sense of well-being, in such circumstances.

In any case, all of these experiences have to be dealt with. According to the spiritual literature, the way that these overwhelming experiences are to be handled is by not focusing on the 'self.' Not thinking, 'This is me, I am going mad, I am losing my mind, experiencing this and that.' It is emphasised in all kinds of spiritual teachings that if the mind is thinking, 'I am the one who is having this or that experience,' and becoming overly concerned about what is being experienced, it may exacerbate one's feeling of anxiety, or feeling that one is going to have a mental breakdown. It is also recorded in this literature that some individuals did have breakdowns. This comes from being overly concerned about the self.

Our focus then, has to be turned outward to something other than the self. In Buddhism, for instance, one has to focus one's attention on the reality of things and seeing that everything that one is experiencing arises from that reality.

What is happening here is quite peculiar, because on the one hand one is trying not to focus on the self, while on the other one has to learn to strengthen one's self, so that one is able to endure the variegated experiences that arise from doing these rigorous practices. This process is part of disassociating oneself from a fixation on worldly things, or as it is said in Christian teachings, on 'created things.'

With this practice, according to Buddhism, the self becomes transformed. Self-transformation is a key part of the spiritual journey. As one travels on the path, one is transformed simply from encountering all kinds of experiences and exploring new things. As I said before, even a normal traveller who goes to a foreign country can experience identity crises. However, if one persists with the journey and develops more curiosity about things - instead of trying to shut one's mind to all the stimuli, trying to understand all the new sights and sounds, people and customs and new ways of doing things - one will automatically be transformed from having taken these things on board. Spiritual practice is similarly transformative. This transformation is achieved simply through trying to embrace these experiences even if they appear overwhelming and threatening to the self. The key to this transformation comes from how we approach these new experiences. If we focus singularly upon the self and its well-being, our feelings of vulnerability and weakness will only increases and we might become completely overwhelmed. If, instead, we focus on where these experiences are coming from, the self becomes rejuvenated and strengthened.

The beginning is always the most difficult part of any kind of journey, as we know. If we have never gone anywhere before, the first few weeks, months or even year or two, are the most difficult time. However, the more time that we spend away from home, the easier it becomes. It is similar with spiritual practice, because after we have moved through the difficult early period, we come to another level of experiencing things.

This next level first consists of the elimination and assimilation of various - for want of a better expression - 'mental states.' At this point, the spiritual journey is about learning how to overcome certain ingrained and well-entrenched feelings, thoughts and emotions and assimilating other forms of feelings, thoughts and emotions. People often have this notion that a spiritual person has less and less experiences on the spiritual journey, so that the emotional, cognitive and effective domains become narrowed and simplified. However, in many ways, spiritual experiences actually expand the parameters of human existence, because the spiritual journey opens up our minds to whole new dimensions, to whole new ways of being. We experience many things that we would never normally undergo as a result of engaging in spiritual practices.

The spiritual journey enriches everything that we experience. Everything becomes meaningful, so that all of our experiences aid us in our growth. Normally, our experiences do not enrich us. Even our good experiences are not particularly illuminative in the long run. However, things that we experience on the spiritual path are often profoundly moving, and thus become life-enhancing experiences.

In other words, spiritual experiences broaden human experience rather than narrowing it. According to the Buddhist teachings, even our senses become more alert. Again we can understand this, because even people who spend time in solitude - in the woods or deserts or mountains such as the Himalayas - report that their senses become more acute and alert. Our senses are not normally alert. We can therefore imagine that if people who spend time in the wilderness have this experience, then people who spend time in the wilderness as part of spiritual practice would have experiences that are even more amazing and life-transforming in the long run. This is why many of the saints, for want of a better word, in both the east and the west, have spent significant amounts of time engaging in vigorous mental disciplines in the wilderness.

Gradually then, there is this notion of elimination and assimilation as part of the spiritual journey. One can then develop courage, strength, wisdom and mental focus and overcome the corresponding states of weakness, cowardice, ignorance and distracted mind. Eventually, the spiritual traveller comes to a point where he or she realises that there is a need for another form of renunciation. This is actually the renunciation of spiritual things themselves. For turning one's mind away from a fixation on worldly things and instead focusing on spiritual things can lead to one becoming attached to these spiritual things.

To use a Christian example, in his Dark Night of the Soul, St John of the Cross talks about how spiritual people can be just as mean as worldly people. They are not so much mean about material things, but about spiritual things. They squabble and fight over their spirituality, become envious of other people's spiritual attainments and very possessive and proud about their own attainments and realisations. In this way, spiritual experiences also become a source of trouble. This is mentioned in Buddhist teachings also, in many different contexts. Buddhist material emphasises not getting attached to spiritual things, because even spiritual things can become demonic in the sense that they can feed one's egoistic needs. Spiritual practitioners can start puffing themselves up over how much spiritual practice they have done and treating spiritual experiences as something that one possesses. It is important to be reminded that spiritual things have to become part of oneself; they are not something that one carries around.

So, renunciation of spiritual things is the next step. Instead of thinking, 'I have more wisdom than someone else,' one has to appropriate these spiritual experiences and take them on board. Spiritual attributes and qualities must become features of one's own make-up, one's own personality and character traits.

As one progresses on the path one begins to realise that the spiritual journey has many destinations. This journey is not like climbing a mountain where one automatically sets out to reach the peak. It consists of many peaks and valleys. There are periods of highs and periods of lows. Nonetheless, steady progress can be made, which is not at all unlike our normal experiences of travelling abroad. The sum total of our experiences contributes towards reaching our goal, but within that there are many other goals that we might aim towards. Just as when we are travelling, if it is Everest that we want to reach there may be other areas in Everest's vicinity that we want to explore. Similarly with the spiritual journey, there are many goals that one has to attain and each of these goals aids us in reaching our final goal, which in Buddhism, is to become an awakened being.

As the traveller begins to accumulate more and more knowledge and experience, many of the things that he or she had to learn at the beginning now have to be renounced so that they do not become an extra burden to carry around. This is why renunciation of spiritual things is emphasised. One also has to renounce conceptual understanding, which means that as the spiritual traveller advances on the path he or she must not get swayed by thoughts of good and bad, spiritual and material, worldly versus other-worldly, samsara and nirvana, spiritual attainment verses non-spiritual attainment and so on. One can let go of these concepts, because as one begins to progress on the path, one experiences the transcendental realm where there is no need to conceptualise about either the finite world or the reality-as-such.

Ultimate reality and the spiritual experiences that allow us to go from the 'unknowing of ignorance' to the 'knowing of wisdom' are based upon direct experience. Conceptual understanding, on the other hand, is based on inference. We have an inferential understanding of ultimate reality but we do not have direct experience of it. When we have direct experience of ultimate reality, we cannot conceptualise it, we cannot express it through linguistic means. In Buddhism, it is said, 'Seeing that which cannot be seen is the ultimate seeing.' In other words, 'to know' is only to know something in terms of our own understanding. However, our understanding has to lead to realisation, which means going beyond our own understanding. Realisation is about seeing the ultimate reality in all things and seeing all things in ultimate reality. One no longer has to make a distinction between the world which one had to renounce and the transcendental realm which one has been trying to enter into.

This is only a general description of what the notion of spiritual 'path' means from the point of view of a practitioner, rather than in terms of how the paths and stages are described in the texts. If you look at the life-stories of the Buddhist saints you will see this process. The life of Milarepa, the famous poet-saint of Tibet, describes this process very clearly. From how he renounced the world to how he attained realisation.

As long as we are practising, there is always a journey involved. With this journey comes many different kinds of experience, which we have to deal with. These experiences are not always pleasant, not always comforting, and may be very challenging, disruptive and threatening. If we are able to deal with any one of those, we will become that much stronger and more spiritually mature. According to the Buddhist way of thinking, every obstacle that we encounter has to be regarded as necessary for one's growth. They are not really obstacles, in other words. Without them, we will not mature, we will forever remain naïve and very immature. It is only because of these different experiences in life generally, but particularly in spiritual practice, that we are able to become transformed. In spiritual practice our experience increase rather than decrease; they only become more vivid and more powerful. It is by being able to deal with them as they arise that we are able to become transformed.

This self-transformation is a continuous process. It is not a once-and-for-all kind of thing, where we can say, 'I used to be a non-spiritual person, but now I have been transformed into a spiritual person. I have been reborn. My old self is dead and now I am a new person.' According to Buddhism, the individual who is travelling on the path is constantly being reformed and transformed. We are the same individual on one level, but on another level we are a different individual. This is the Buddhist way of thinking. There is continuity, but each time there is a major turning-point in the course of one's journey, one has become transformed. One has become a new person, transformed and reformed, because certain habits have dropped away. Even without deliberately trying to get rid of them, they have simply fallen to the wayside. They are no longer a part of us or part of the particular individual on the spiritual path; new things have become part of that individual instead. As one goes further, some other parts fall to the wayside and other things become part of oneself and so on. It is a continuous growth, a continuous journey, which is why spiritual insights also have to be continuous.

Everything is a dynamic process. We should not get too fixated on the notion of spiritual states, because 'states' imply some kind of fixity, some kind of place that one arrives at. The notion of passivity is also attached to that. The spiritual journey - spiritual experiences and practices and states - are dynamic and therefore tend forward. The present always tends towards the future, it always portends a forward movement. We are never in any kind of self-enclosed state.

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